Friday, May 27, 2011

The Case For Falling In Love by Mari Ruti

Mari Ruti is an associate professor of critical theory at the University of Toronto where she teaches contemporary theory, psychoanalysis, gender studies and popular culture.  She brings this educational background to the study of why and how we fall in love and what works and what doesn't for women.

Ruti insists that the common advise women are given; to downplay their strengths and to consciously play games to make a make feel more powerful are instead counterproductive.  It is unlikely that a relationship based on fantasy will be long-lived or provide what the people involved need.  She goes further and says that women should consider each relationship on its own merits and understand that all may not be long-lived.  Even a failed relationship can provide benefits.

Ruti provides eleven relationship touchstones.  They are:

1.  Stop trying so hard.  You can't force or trick someone into loving you.
2.  Stop being so cautious.  The benefits of love come only when one is open to them.
3.  Stop analyzing your every move.  This goes back to the need to not play games.
4.  Stop expecting your guy to act like a caveman.  Men are not genetically programmed to act this way, although some relationship mavens insist this is so.  Men can be truly emotionally involved in giving and supportive relationships.
5.  Stop apologizing for being strong.  If a man can't handle a woman's strength and competence, the relationship is probably not going to work.
6.  Stop being afraid to have needs and vulnerabilities.  If a relationship doesn't give you what you need, you need to end it.
7.  Stop running after guys who don't want you.  You won't be able to change them.
8.  Stop looking for a guy without issues.  He doesn't exist any more than a female exists without issues.
9.  Stop manipulating the guy you love. 
10.  Stop regretting every false step you took.  It is a rare person that doesn't encounter some failed love relationships.  It is part of what makes us human and realistic about what love can provide in our lives.
11.  Stop looking at loss as a pure loss.  Even a failed relationship helps you grow.

This book is recommended for women who want to find real relationships, not ones based on artifice and games.  It helps deconstruct the myths that exist about relationships and why they work or don't.  It frees women to be themselves and expect their men to appreciate their true selves.  Mari Ruti has created a useful guide and an unorthodox way of looking at what it takes to have a successful love life and those who read this book will walk away with lots of new ideas to think through and apply in their own lives.

No comments: